We experienced a miscarriage in August of 2016. It was the hardest thing we have ever gone through, and we wouldn’t wish it upon anyone else. In so many ways, God has used the experience to draw us closer to Himself and to each other as a couple. In our many conversations about what has happened, one thing we have consistently been thankful for is the knowledge that we now have the ability to both minister to those who go through similar trials in the future, as well as help those who haven’t experienced this to better understand these situations.

We’re writing this because there are a lot of things that have made our dealing with the miscarriage difficult in ways it shouldn’t need to be. People have said or done things with good intentions that, at best, didn’t help and at worst, really hurt. We know everyone has been sincerely trying to help, and we love each and every one of them. I honestly just want to help those who haven’t gone through this to better understand those suffering or hurting by sharing our thoughts and experiences since the miscarriage.

Here are a few of our thoughts and feelings in the immediate aftermath of this event.

I. Afterward, we didn’t really want to see or hold another baby
When you experience a miscarriage, it seems to be the default reaction of many folks to push pictures, videos, and even offer to let you hold their baby as some form of comfort.

I somewhat understand the intent behind this – and maybe some other couples would be encouraged by this – but for us, the last thing we wanted to do was see a baby after the miscarriage. It just served as a harsh reminder of what we no longer had.

II. Our baby is not replaceable
After a miscarriage, every other person seems to say, “You can try again.”
Again, I understand the intent, but these words cut very deep.

First, unless you are 100% sure that the couple you are talking to is capable of having children, this is not the wisest thing to say. You don’t know that for sure, and, depending how long it’s been since the miscarriage, it’s very possible they still don’t either.

Second, realize that we aren’t mourning because we lost a baby – we are mourning because we lost our baby.

“…we aren’t mourning because we lost a baby – we are mourning because we lost our baby.”

We will never hold, talk to, sing lullabies to, or experience a whole bunch of memories with that specific baby. There is joy in knowing that we may at some point be blessed with another child – only God knows – but regardless of how many children we have, none will replace the one we lost.

III. We still feel like parents
Our child may not be on this earth anymore, but we are, and we will never feel the same. We grew connected to a baby. We made plans. It brought us together as a couple. We scrolled through nursery ideas on Pinterest. We thought about names. And so on, and so on.

In every way, we feel like parents – because we are. As my wife always says, we did have a child, they were just born directly into heaven.

“In every way, we feel like parents – because we are.”

IV. We realize every couple’s experience is difference
If you know someone who has a miscarriage, all of our thoughts and experiences may reflect how they feel, or they may not. How every family deals with a loss like this is different. They may want to talk, they may not. They may want to hold a baby, they may not. They may just be experiencing a whole mix of emotions they can’t describe.The best thing you can do to help is to be sensitive, prayerful, and understanding.V. God is still good
We’ve felt many things since the miscarriage. We’ve felt intense sadness and heartbreak, but we want to make clear to everyone, we have not been angry. We haven’t felt like God is unjust or unfair.In fact, we’ve felt thankful for the short period of time that God graciously blessed us with our baby. He gave us a joy that we can’t even explain, and for this one horrible memory, there are several amazing memories. We’ll never forget the night we found out that we were pregnant, or all the times we giggled with excitement about our little blessing.

However, even in loss, our joy and appreciation toward God is the same, if not stronger. He has made His sovereignty and goodness known, and we have never been more grateful for the Comforter.

God truly is good all the time, and we rest knowing that He is being a good Father to our little one.

I co-wrote this article alongside my wonderful wife, Tara. It was originally posted here on her blog. 

Eric Author ImageEric is a blogger, videographer, designer, and full-time missionary with Rooftop Missions. While in the US, he works to raise support to help fund pastors and orphanages in closed countries. When he is traveling internationally, he provides leadership training for national pastors, as well as documenting the trips through photography and video.

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